Thank you so much guys. My name is Jessie Beer and I'm speaker for this session, we're gonna be talking about how to safely and successfully support someone who's struggling with their mental health. Now, why is this important for women in tech?Well, first of all, with everything that's going on in the world right now, it is critical that we keep our mental health at the forefront of our mind and especially know how to support other people that we love. Whether those are friends, family members, coworkers, someone random on the street, you know, whatever that is making sure that we're able to safely and successfully support them. Secondly, women in tech are a unique community. We are already facing gender biases that try to keep us in a certain place. So having that added stress on top of day to day life and everything that's going on in the world right now, it is of critical importance that we know how to safely and successfully support each other. So I'm gonna go ahead and share my screen and get my slides all up and ready and we will go ahead and get to it. So just So you guys know I will not be able to see the chat box during the presentation.

So um I will go ahead and read all of the chat at the end, answer any questions, hang out for a little bit to get those questions answered. So, without further ado, like we said, we are talking about mental health right now. My name is Jessie Beer and I am so excited to be here with you guys today. So, oh dear, that went quickly. Let's not do that. Perfect. So the agenda for the session, we are gonna talk about eight things you should not say to someone. Things that are just really unhelpful. We're gonna talk about four ways. You can successfully support someone who's struggling and then we're gonna wrap it up with why it's important to keep yourself safe during the process because that's critical as well. Now, the very first thing that's super unhelpful to say to someone is I know what you're going through. This is very common to say, but it's actually not really helpful. And here's why unless you've been through the exact same thing, you don't know what they're going through.

Everyone responds to instances in very different situations and ways. So saying that you know exactly what they're going through can minimize the effect of their struggles and invalidate their response. They feel like, oh everyone's been through this. So why am I panicking about this instead?

Try saying something like I cannot imagine what you're going through, but I'm here to support you the best that I can. This gives them some individuality and some autonomy over their response but still puts you in a position of support for them. The second thing that's super unhelpful is I'm so sorry for you. This is one of those things where it's really common to say a lot of people say this just because they're not certain what else to say. So I'm gonna give you some alternatives here. This is really unhelpful because what it does is it actually labels this person as a victim. So you're saying, oh, I'm so sorry, you're giving them sympathy and that victim mentality is not very helpful when you're working through mental health struggles. Many apologies also become devalued because of how frequently we say them often for things we didn't even do. And it's something that we just say when we're not sure what to say. And that can make our apologies less valuable than when we truly mean them and are apologizing for something that we did. Instead, one of my favorite things to say is I hear you and I'm here for you. What this does is it acknowledges that you are receiving what they're saying. You are receiving their struggles and their story and you are there to support them moving forward.

The third thing that's not helpful and I'm sure you guys understand why this isn't super great is it could be worse, right? The starving Children in Africa argument because someone else has it worse than you do. You do not have a right to be complaining right now. Not helpful. Right. This can cause your friend or family member, your loved one, your coworker, whoever that is to feel like they're overreacting and being dramatic, which is not a helpful mindset to be in when you're already struggling with your mental health and your self esteem.

It's also 100% useless to compare the severity of mental health struggles or traumas. It doesn't do anybody any good. It makes the person who's theoretically worse feel like they are just so much worse than everyone else. But it also makes the person who you're minimizing feel like they're overreacting. Like I said, instead, you can try saying something like I can see that this is really important to you. This again, acknowledges that whatever they're struggling with is very real and very bad for them.

And it doesn't place any sort of judgment on whether they're overreacting, they're under reacting or anything like that. The next unhelpful line is that it'll be ok. Similar to I'm sorry, this is something that's a very common thing to say often because you don't know what else to say. I am so sorry this happened. It's gonna be ok. That sounds good. But there are some hidden undertones there with this, you know, it'll be ok. It places some sort of imaginary timeline on their healing and implies that everything goes back to normal after they heal from their mental health struggles. This isn't always the case. You know, everyone's talking right now with COVID about the new normal right after you survive mental health struggles and you overcome that it's often a new normal. It's probably not gonna go back to the same way that it was, it might be OK eventually. But right now it isn't ok and it's ok to not be OK to use kind of that cliche line there. Instead, you can try saying something like however you're feeling right now is perfectly OK. Again, this helps validate their emotions and lets them know that they're not being judged and that whatever they're feeling is right for the scenario that they're in at the moment. Next, they didn't mean to hurt you. Now, let me tell you a little story here.

If you were giving someone £1000 of gold, you had this huge influx of wealth and you're like, yes, I wanna give this to someone that's really, really important to me and you accidentally drop £1000 of gold straight on their head. They're still hurt, right? No matter how good your intentions were. The end result is that this person is still hurt. The same thing goes for mental health struggles. If this person's mental health struggles stem from something that someone else did like a physical assault or domestic violence, an interpersonal problem, something like that saying this, that, you know, they didn't mean to hurt you. It places the importance of this scenario on the attacker or on the abuser instead of on the victim and the survivor because that's what it's all about right now. It doesn't matter how good of a person, how good of a character this other individual was your purpose and your role is to support the loved one sitting in front of you who's currently struggling and to do that, it doesn't matter how good of a person the person who hurt them is.

Instead, you can say something like I can see that Bob really hurt you and what he did was not ok. You know, if it was Sarah or Sally or Jasmine or whatever name you want to put in there, that's totally fine. But if you use Bob as an example, this tells this person that you acknowledge that they were really, really hurt by this other person and that you also are letting them know and confirming for them that what this other person did was not ok. It's very common when you are the survivor, the survivor of an interpersonal that you kind of take on some blame. You're like, oh, maybe if I did this differently or I put myself at risk because I was walking alone at night or whatever. That is right. We've kind of heard those excuses before. So what this says is that nothing you did cause this, this is not your fault. And so you can let all of that shame and judgment on yourself go. The next thing is get over it. Now, this stems from multiple, multiple generations that believe that mental health struggles are not as legitimate as physical health problems. You know, for the longest time, our grandparents, our grandparents, grandparents, if you had a broken leg, if you got cancer, if you got a gunshot wound, those are real, those deserve to be helped and deserve to be treated.

But if you're struggling with your mental health, if you are depressed, if you are anxious, whatever that is, uh tough it up and get over it. That's a mentality we're still currently working through right now. And so continuing to tell someone, oh, just get over it. Oh, just get over. It is not helpful for that stigma that's continuing to live. It's incredibly rude and insensitive as well. This person trusted you enough to open up to you and share something that they're struggling deeply with. And your response is just to completely invalidate everything that they're going through. I just want to get over it. That's not very helpful in the moment. It also places this giant barrier between you and this individual that removes you as a support system from them. Think about it.

If you open up to someone and their response is uh buck up and get over it, you're probably not gonna go back to that person for support down the line. If you truly want to be a support system in your friend or family member's life, you will do anything you can to prevent those barriers between you and that person from coming up. Instead, you can say something like take as much time as you need to work through this, I'm here for you no matter what. Again, this removes that timeline that they have to heal in a certain amount of time and lets them know that if it takes two minutes or 20 years, I'm still gonna be here for you no matter what because I love you. That's really an important sentiment for someone who's struggling with their mental health. One of the last things that is very not helpful to say is pressuring them to talk about it. So come on, you should really talk about it, tell me what happened. It'll feel good to get it all out. The various forms that this sentiment can take. Now, pushing someone to open up about their story before they're ready can be anything from impossible to actually detrimental to their healing journey.

This could also be a sign, you know, if you're just being really pushy about figuring out what happened to them, it could be a sign that your motives for helping them lie more in satisfying your own curiosity as opposed to legitimately helping this person because you love them and want them to heal.

So instead you can try something like you don't have to say a word if you don't want to. But if you'd like to talk about it, I'm always here to listen again. This removes that pressure from this person and also creates a safe space for them to do whatever they need in the moment. Perhaps what they need is simply just to sit there with someone. Whereas sometimes it's more helpful to talk about it and open up. But it allows this person, this loved one who's struggling with their mental health to make the choice instead of consenting because you're just being so pushy about it or further driving you away from them because of how pushy you're being finally you should do or try blank.

So, oh my gosh, you need to journal about this or oh my gosh, girl, you need some yoga to get over this or you need to do this type of therapy or whatever it is. Any sort of suggestion that you're throwing at them is very often unhelpful for a couple of reasons. First of all, if you are not a life and trained mental health professional, then you are not qualified to give someone advice. This is not to be harsh or insensitive to anything that you've been through. But there is specific training required obviously to be a mental health professional. And there are skills learned within that training that allow you to recognize situations and give advice in a safe and constructive manner.

Also, if you're speaking from personal experience, so maybe you struggled with your mental health and something worked really well for you, what works for you isn't gonna work for everyone. And so if you're really pushing this individual into a certain healing modality, a certain self-care activity, whatever that is, and that's not a good fit for them. There's the potential that you could be making their situation worse or again and driving a wedge between you and that individual something you can try saying instead is if you'd like some additional support and direction, I'd be happy to connect you to some resources that I trust.

Then if they're like, oh yeah. OK. Yeah, we can talk about that. You can refer them to the therapist that you're going to, you can refer them to a support group. You can recommend books or blogs that they might be interested in reading. So you're serving as a resource connection instead of a drill sergeant of do this, do this, do this. It's gonna work no matter what because that's often not the case now. Great right now. What, how do I actually help them? I know what not to do. What do I actually do first things first? Get yourself sorted out. We kind of touched on this a little bit, but it's important to recognize where you're coming from. Do you really want to help this person? Because you love them and support them and want them to heal or are you just so curious about what happened and why they're now acting so weird that you just need to know and kind of fulfill this good deed of the day concept. If it's the latter, if you realize that your motives are a little bit selfish, then re evaluate if you're not approaching them from the right headspace, you can absolutely turn it around so that it can be a safe support system for them. But you have to recognize that first.

If you do find that you're in that more self-serving mindset, get some professional help, sometimes this individual might come home from a therapy session with some homework for you in order to build your relationship or you can even go get some professional support yourself, putting that effort in to make yourself the best support system that you can be is gonna pay off a million fold in the long run, both for you and that loved one that's struggling with their mental health.

Secondly, like we talked about validate their emotions. When you're struggling with your mental health, you can feel so out of control and dramatic, feel like you're overreacting, feel like everything is just falling apart around you and you're just this puddle of horrible emotions to have someone that you know, and trust come in and say, hey, whatever you're feeling right now, that's ok.

You have this safe space with me to feel whatever you need at whatever level you need, that is so powerful. And that makes such a difference. Again, it takes some of that pressure off of them as they're healing this pressure that says I need to be strong or I can't feel this way or people have it worse. And therefore I'm not allowed to feel like I'm struggling. It removes that pressure creates a safe space between you and this individual and also gives them the permission. They need to accept everything that's going on with them, which is one of the first steps toward healing. Also treat them as normally as possible. Despite how worried you are about this individual and how much you care about their healing. They're still your loved one. They're not broken. They don't need to be treated with kid gloves and so continue to treat them as normally as possible. If you guys always go out to Sunday brunch together, keep inviting them to Sunday brunch. If you always spend Friday night eating a pint of ice cream and complaining about your boyfriend, eat the ice cream and complain about your boyfriend. This will give them some semblance of normalcy in their life that they so desperately need and feel like they're lacking because of the mental health struggles that they're going through. Most importantly though, hold the space for them.

Now, Heather Plett is a personal development coach who specializes in holding the space for people and this is how she defines. Holding the space. I'll read this for you, holding the space for someone. It means being willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they're on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts offer unconditional support and let go of judgment and control. Now, a therapist that I once spoke to, she told me a story that really well illustrates holding the space. She was working with a young client on an equine assisted therapy facility and this client was struggling with PTSD. They were playing a game of hide and seek and this girl was like, hey, Sally, let's go hide in the dumpster. So they go hide in the dumpster and as you can probably guess it was dark, it was smelly. There was something dripping over their left shoulder that they couldn't identify and it was just not a fun place to be. Now, this girl, this client looks at Sally and goes, hey, Sal, this is kind of what life is like, isn't it? And this just hit Sally so powerfully because for this girl who is struggling with her mental health that dumpster was her life. Her life was dark.

It was smelly. It was not a fun place to be and she couldn't just hop out of it whenever she wanted to. Sally on the other hand. She wasn't struggling with her mental health. She could have gotten out of the dumpster, either the literal one or the proverbial one, whatever she wanted. But by choosing to sit in the darkness with that girl in her darkness, she held the space for her and gave her the best support that she possibly could have given her. Now, as far as an actionable strategies for holding the place, holding the space, I'm sorry, here are eight tips that you can do that with. First of all, trust your own intuition and give your, give your loved ones permission to trust theirs, trust your relationship, you guys know each other. You know what you need. Don't doubt that just because mental health has entered the picture as well. Also don't overwhelm your loved one with information. You may want to give them every book and resource and pamphlet on the planet. But that can be way too much for someone who's already struggling with their mental health, allow your loved one to keep their autonomy as well.

This can be very difficult when you're worried about them. But for someone who already feels out of control and like their life is just running by them without any say, having the ability to still make their own choices is very, very critical for them. Keep your ego out of it too. If they have a setback, if they have a flashback, if they mess up and fall back down again, that is not your fault and it is not a reflection on your ability to love them, keep your ego out of it. In addition, as I'm sure you guys know, create a safe space without judgment or shame. You coming in and making all these decisions and opinions about their life is not helpful for them at the moment because they're already doing that in their own head. They're already being so critical of themselves and you don't need to add to that criticism either offer them help in a way that doesn't make them feel incompetent. So like we talked about with treating them as normally as possible, don't come in and do the dishes and do the laundry and make them dinner and take care of their kids and all of the things for them. Because again, it all goes back to feeling like they have some semblance of normalcy and control in their life. Finally assure them that you're ready to catch them if and when they fall now, this isn't necessarily by you saying over and over and over.

I'm here for you, I'm here for you. I'm here for you. But by showing up in a confident and compassionate manner that's gonna come across in your body language. Those are some great ways that you can hold the space for someone and really give them the best level of support that they could ask for. Now, finally, how do you keep yourself safe? And why is that so important in the first place? It is so easy to step over the line. There's a line between loved one, mental health advocate, family, friend, whatever and someone who's a professional in the field and help them on that level. You are not a therapist unless you actually are a therapist. But for the most part, y'all are not therapists. And so it is not your job to fix them, heal them or solve all of their problems. Keep those boundaries in place and don't take responsibility for them either. When I was in high school, I was in a relationship with someone who was really struggling with his mental health. And I thought that I was responsible for his happiness and his ability to stay alive. I did whatever it took. I completely obliterated my personal boundaries all in the quest of keeping this person happy and alive. Now, this backfired on me and caused a huge decline in my own mental health because I was so wrapped up in his, I wasn't taking care of myself.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. So make sure that you know, your boundaries take care of yourself and then provide the support systems that they're looking for. Finally, make sure you have your own support system together, whether that means you have someone holding the space for you on a personal level and or that you're working with a professional in the mental health field. Supporting someone who's struggling with their mental health is not easy.

It's not necessarily fun. It can be very difficult and emotional for you as well. So make sure that you have the necessary support systems in place as you move through this journey. Now, that was a lot of information in a very short amount of time, but I'm trying to stay as on schedule as I can. So thank you very much for your time today and I applaud you for the work that you're doing in supporting other women in tech who may be struggling with their mental health or loved ones of yours personally that are struggling with their mental health. If you have any questions or you wanna chat anything through, feel free to reach out to me on Instagram or via email. I would be happy to chat with you. I'm gonna go ahead and minimize the screen so I can pop back in the chat box, hang out for a little bit, answer any questions and go from there. Thank you so much again guys and have a great rest of this conference. Mhm. Ok, perfect. All right. Let me look through these chat things here a lot. Awesome. Ok. Well, let's see. Rita says Ri I'm sorry if I just mispronounced your name, I won't feel comfortable referring a therapist instead of just listening to your friend's concern.

If someone did that to me, I would feel that my friend just needs a break from my rant and hence wants me to direct or wants to direct me to someone else. And next time they won't come to me with their issue. Great point. So this isn't necessarily something where someone comes to you and you're like, got it now to the therapist. It's something that you can use throughout the conversation if and when they're ready for help, some more professional help, not everyone's ready right off the bat. But that's just one thing you have in your toolbox that you can use to support them as they move through this. Also though, I do have to say if you are not in a position where you feel secure enough in yourself and your mental health to support someone else, it is not only ok, but it is also your responsibility to yourself to let them know that you love them and support them, but that just you are not the best place for them at this moment.

So I totally understand what you're saying. I recognize that and acknowledge that, but I think it's also important to make sure you're keeping yourself safe in the process as well. So to recap, yes, it is not an immediate open up and then shove them off to a therapist. Definitely have that conversation and support them in the best way that you can. But just know that that referral opportunity is available for you if that's something that comes up. Thank you. For that comment. And those thoughts. Um Dawn also says I tend to feel the same way, but I think that sometimes they need you to say it's ok to seek help, especially with so many stigmas. That's definitely true. I mean, if that comes up in the conversation where you kind of get the feeling that they're looking for a little more help, that could be a great opportunity for you to come in and, and help break down that stigma and let them know that it's ok to ask for help. You did a great job by asking me for help and opening up to me. Now, we can take that one step further. You know, if you'd like, I can connect you to resources, I can come check out a session with you, however, is gonna make you feel the most comfortable. So yes, thank you John for that as well. Even Laurie, you are so welcome.

Rebecca says, I think if you are continually helping someone going to the step of suggesting professional help isn't saying you don't care. It's just showing that you care enough to defer to someone who will be better equipped to help your friend or loved one. Yes, Rebecca, I totally agree. It's kind of like I said, there's two sides of it, right? There's this friends and family, loved one support, which is so so needed and then there's also this professional support which is needed. It's just different. So it's two sides of I guess the same coin and both are very, very helpful throughout someone's mental health journey. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are welcome, Lola. So thank you, Jesse was great advice and I will help friends that are struggling with that on board.

Awesome Lola. Thank you so much. If anyone has any questions, like I said, feel free to reach out to me directly or pop them in the chat. But otherwise I know I'm a little bit over on time. I'm so sorry. Um But I will let you guys get back to the conference. Thank you so much, everyone.