All right, I'm gonna get started. I'm always a little weird talking in a zoom room to myself. Um Welcome everybody. Thank you so much for joining my, my session. I'll be talking about imposter syndrome and growth mindset.Um And as I've learned to cope and use both um throughout my life. So my name is Martina Shaber and I'm the director of Software Engineering at Myriad Genetics in Salt Lake City, Utah. Um I lead a team called Revenue and Operations Engineering. Um and we ensure streamlined enterprise solutions um with a frictionless flow from financial clearance to billing. So we support billing and revenue cycle um solutions for my company. Um And I've been at Myriad for over three years and I love it so much that I've been recruiting all my friends and co and former coworkers from across, across my careers. Um Among the reasons why I really enjoy working for Myriad is all the opportunities I've been provided to grow my career lead change and even learn that I really wanted to be in front of people sharing my experiences and helping others grow. And it all started on a sunny day in San Francisco with my bell bottom jeans and flowers in my hair on the corner of Kate Ashbury when we did drugs and um wait wrong story. Um But this one also started in San Francisco.

I got the opportunity to join some of my coworkers at the Women Impact Tech Conference a year ago before then, I'd never been to a woman focused event. It wasn't just inspiring in a way that shows you um like a path forward or by relating to stories, but it was eye opening and motivating because I realized I really wanted to do that as well. I wanted to be an inspiration and share my experiences. So I wanted to share what I have learned throughout my life and how my experience has helped me push through hard times and how keeping a growth mindset allowed me to see past impostor syndrome. But also how impostor syndrome can be used to further hone in your growth mindset. Um So growing up, I frequently changed grades, schools, countries, cultures and languages change was my constant, this perpetual flux and lack of belonging. I have have shaped my um shaped my character and taught me valuable lessons in retrospect at the time, it kind of sucked. Um I didn't know what a treasure trove of tools my life had gifted me until I progressed in my career to have um the opportunity to mentor and lead people. I realized three things as I grew, grew in my leadership roles.

Uh One I am not here by sheer luck, completely unqualified. Even if I have to regular, regularly remind myself of that. I am not alone in my feelings and I have an innate strength to, to take the next step which my childhood spent moving and learning on the fly forced me to acknowledge. So I boiled it all down for you into a rough draft of the three steps of how a growth mindset can play an effective tug award with imposter syndrome. One just map the next step to focus on what you want. And then when in doubt, call a friend, call a friend. So I was born in Poland in the early eighties. Um at the peak of the solidarity movement, which was an anti authoritarian movement that brought an end of communism in Poland. I was in my mother's belly when she was out demonstrating, resisting and getting gassed during the process. And I was one when got the Nobel Peace Prize for, for his leadership in the movement. And despite my mom's guessing and or maybe because of it, I was born exceptionally smart and with a deep anti authoritarian root.

And while my intelligence was put in check by my questionable high school decisions, my anti authoritarianism stayed strong and blossomed into a passion for self-expression and the freedom to it because of my brain and my mom's tireless drive for a better life. My life started on a path of constant change. It began with being moved up a year in school, starting first grade early. Even back then, I remember sensing resentment. I didn't belong. I was too young and the communist belief that we were all the same wasn't helping my case. And neither were the teachers that were constantly fawning over me. But for my mom, solidarity wasn't moving fast enough. It was taking too long to make life better behind the iron curtain. She was tired of the 4 a.m. lines to get a decent piece of meat uh for the week and the angry um and angry at the impossibility of of getting basic things like like toothpaste and underwear and she hated the feeling of being trapped as travel outside of the Communist block was nearly impossible. Um There were stories and, and rumors that if you could get to Denmark, you could apply for asylum to get refugee status and stayed. So with my mom's reso resourcefulness, she was able to book us on a vacation cruise across the Baltic Sea to Denmark.

Um And we'd get an opportunity to get, get off the ship in Copenhagen and while the other passengers got back on the ship after a short shore visit, we did not. So we ended up in Denmark. Um I didn't know any of that at the time that my vacation wasn't really a vacation because my parents only packed us for a two week long trip to avoid any suspicion. So we had like a backpack each and the determination to never come back to Poland. So I was still, I was still planning on starting second grade with the students who were finally starting to accept me. And I left my favorite giraffe toy at home. I didn't know how my mom knew people in Denmark, but they let us stay with them for a little bit. Then we moved into refugee housing and I have very fond memories from there. They had a child care program where nobody spoke the same language. Nobody, nobody shared the same shade of skin, not the kids, not the teachers yet. Somehow we all managed to communicate and get along. But my parents thought we could do better in West Germany. So just a few months later, we snuck over the border and my parents bleached their hair blonde to look more danish. And I remember us trying to sneak behind um behind the back of the border patrol building. You know, I was like five years old being like mom.

No, we have to go this way. But you know, they try to sneak behind the guards, caught us. They turned us around, pointed us to the right direction. And then luckily we were able to walk with this bigger group of, of Danes or Germans and as we were walking, um and they were checking our passports, they just overlooked us. Um The border was very loose like the US and Canada used to be. And this was for me becoming a really strange vac vacation and I was really missing my giraffe but it didn't really hit me until I was put on a school bus to attend a German school that I wasn't going home anytime soon and I was go, wasn't going to see my toys or my friends.

Whoops. Oh, no. There we go. So I went to school in a new town on a farm in a strange country, not speaking the language. Talk about being an impostor. Refugee life isn't very stable. The state can move you around as housing needs and availability change. So soon after starting my first school in Germany, we were moved again. We were giving a house to share with just one other family in a small town an hour west of Munich. Um, they were Hungarian with two boys and they got the two bedroom downstairs while we had the two bedrooms upstairs. And I went to back to school another new school. And because of my age, I started in first grade again and just after I settled, like settled in because of my brain, they moved me back up to second grade. But I got to finish two grades in a row and one school in one town at the same with the same kids and the same language. And then, and then the wall fell but became the, the first democratically elected president um of Poland since the mid twenties and our asylum ran out no longer ha held water. Uh Poland was democratic now and we have to go back. It was only a couple of years.

So we're going back to old friends and family as a little kid. Finding your place in the world and fitting in is part of the process. So, changing schools and environments didn't seem all that strange in addition, because those changes were placed upon me and outside of my control, I never internalized, not fitting in and not knowing things as being um and not knowing things as being my fault, but rather because of the circumstance, I mean, nobody expected me to know anything and I didn't expect that of myself either because how could I?

So when we start a new job, a new position, whether the same or a different company, the circumstances of the change are basically the same except as adults. We made the choice to move or accept the promotion. And in tech that usually means a new language, a new tech stack, a new set of acronyms. It is almost always a new culture. Even if you just switch teams, nobody expects you to hit the ground running, nobody expect expect accept, excuse me. Nobody except for you. When we get older, the stakes are a bit different. The need to belong seems greater while our ability to deal with change decreases. Um and be and we become less malleable. And on top of that questioning whether you even deserve to be here is compounding our insecurities and we need to take it one step at a time. This isn't a new lesson but has profoundly positive effects for when you're stuck in impostor syndrome. How you got here doesn't really matter. You are here already and you on all you all you are really have is your next step no matter how small and that's what a growth mindset mindset is, right? It's taking the next step no matter how big or small into the unknown and the step can be sideways or even backwards. There's no rule. We always have to move forward. We just need to map the next step.

An impostor syndrome makes you question if you even deserve to be here, makes you feel like you cheated your way, unqualified and tricked all the people along the way. But how you got to this moment doesn't really matter because all you have is what you do next. So plan your next step. There's always the next step. And if you swindled yourself into your current position, fold one over your boss, then kudos to you, you just fold a good portion of the company. And if you're capable of that, you can probably just Google your job, job description and get the work done. But more likely you were given or have taken the opportunity because of merit because you deserve it, or at least you deserve a chance. You're already here. And by getting yourself to this point, you deserve to take the next step assuming, of course you didn't get here. And what you left behind is in the trail of dead. So that's a different syndrome and probably a different talk. Uh Next slide. There you go. So I went back to Poland, my home country with my friends and family. We just left two short years ago. But by the time we went back to Poland, I spoke Polish with a German accent and kept saying my numbers backwards, the German way and the kids that I left that I left behind, spent two whole years bonding going to school roaming the streets, building forts, playing soccer in the abandoned lot on the street corner and sneaking into construction sites.

Two years is a really long time for a kid. And I came back with my western toys and brand new clothes. And I started fourth grade with the nickname Hitler. I could have cried and refused to go to school, stayed home with my parents and my new little sister kept my head down. But I really wanted to be part of the neighborhood. I wanted friends. So I kept going out with my fancy German bike following the kids around until slowly the name calling subsided and the knocks on my door kept coming as kids showed up to see if I could play and it's easy to present it today as though tough Little Martino went out against all odds and owned it.

But there were ups and downs, there were lots of tears, discouragements and hurt feelings as a 10 year old. However, what mattered the most to me were friends. So I kept at it. But as I was making breakthroughs in my neighborhood at school, my brain was messing things up for me again. For fifth grade, my school formed a special math and physics focused class for gifted kids and I got picked among others, but none of the kids from my neighborhood. Two steps forward, one step back, even such minor changes can be difficult. I was still in the same small school at the same grade level and yet the snide remarks surfaced and the cold shoulders reemerged. So imagine you're a talented Q a engineer with a solid Python experience.

You set up integration environments review pr S you do firefighting rotations with the software, with software engineers, you write quality code because that's what unit tests are code. And when there is a push to get a feature complete, you contribute your O PR S and then, and then you get promoted to software engineers because obviously, and it's basically the same work you've been doing all along with the same people. It's just a different class, a different teacher. It's seemingly a small change in this career scenario. However, it isn't your coworkers or friends picking on you. It's your own head. It's imposter syndrome kicking in. But before you start beating yourself down for not deserving this and not being qualified. Ask yourself why not? Why you think you're not qualified? But why are you here? What did you want to accomplish by getting here and by being here and, and is this end goal worth it once you define your own? Why it is easier to accept where you are and focus on that next step? Will this put all your reservations to rest and will the path ahead get magically illuminated? Not likely because you're addressing just the this moment. An impostor syndrome is not an acute condition but a chronic disease with surprised flare ups at the most inconvenient moments.

But getting out your wives in your goals can be your impostor syndrome treatment for the next few years of my life. These changes kept regularly assaulting my stability by sixth grade as things were again, beginning to settle. My mother threw another curveball. We were moving to the States in seventh grade. My dad was already in Chicago and while my friends were making plans for which high school to attend and what to major in. I already knew none of it applied to me. I got to finish seventh grade in Poland, but in October of 95 I started seventh grade again because of my age just outside of Detroit, Michigan in the States. So another new country new language and all the cultures. A few months into seventh grade, I got bumped back up into eighth grade, but this was Detroit. I wasn't the odd duck out. At least not the only duck there were immigrants like me at my school from Lebanon, Somalia. From everywhere their parents had accents. They all lived in tiny, cheap apartments were brought together by being different and there were a lot of us, it had the feels of that Refuge Day of the refugee camp, day care. I found, I felt like I found my place. We all wanted to be American together. But I also knew I had a way out there were kids in other Polish families who didn't thrive and they got to go back to Poland to finish school, staying with their grandparents or aunts. And just knowing there was a fallback plan can make moving forward easier.

Moving into uncharted waters of management is much easier when you know, you can always go back to being an IC and you usually can. But as I was embracing being an immigrant, my dad's total scores weren't high enough to keep a to keep his license in Michigan and we had to move again. So off to New Hampshire, we went, this next move was the hardest for me. I hated everything my Detroit school had almost as many kids in it as the whole town I moved to. And the diversity in New Hampshire is more of an old wooden ship. So I started high school doing my best not to make connections. I just accepted. We're just gonna leave again. I was trying not to care. But when I was asked to the school dance, my very first year I couldn't help but be excited. He was going to pick me up. But it would be so American just like Brenda in 90210. So when he decide what? So when he didn't show up while I was waiting all dressed up, it really hurt even though I was determined not to care. The rejection hurt. But why was I upset? It wasn't about the guy. I just wanted to go to the dance. I wanted to see people be the music, um, and be part of something I didn't care about him.

It was one of the most nerve wracking moments of my life sitting in the passenger seat as my dad drove me to this new high school for a dance where I barely knew anybody. The muscles in my back clenched up so hard. I had trouble breathing. I had tunnel vision and I contemplated jumping out of the moving, moving vehicle and then I got there. My worst nightmares came true. As I entered the gym, the music stopped, the lights came on and everybody pointed and laughed because I got stood up and showed up anyway, alone and weird and imposter. Actually, none of that happened because nobody cared, there was nothing like that and everybody and everybody just moved uh moved along. He was there. He didn't care. So why should I, I was there for me and it was empowering and liberating to make that realization. And that's how I approached the rest of my high school and life afterwards. I embraced the different and the weird and I kept testing the waters doing what I wanted. And regardless of expectations, I lived under the assumption that we always be moving. And as I kept pushing the boundaries, I noticed that much, not much followed happened. People were so engulfed in their own lives. Nobody had time for me.

We never actually ended up moving and still nobody cared about any of my antics and I didn't get to be most popular or most likely to succeed. They actually made a very own category for most unique from my school. An impostor syndrome is feeling like a fraud and that your incompetence will soon be uncovered. You end up doubting your abilities and denying your own achievements because of what you perceive others might think of you not matching the culture, knowing the language, not being able to jump right in with a hot fix to save the day lays the groundwork for spiraling into impostor syndrome.

But that's usually just us projecting our opinion of ourselves. My life and flux taught me many things, self reliance, making the top of the list for a good portion of my life. All I had was me. My parents were too busy keeping food on the table while in search of a better life and with such frequent moves, deep connections and friendships were impossible. Um So for my tumbled as youth, I spearheaded into young adulthood, college grad school and eventually the working world as a strong independent woman and it suited me well, I took my earlier lessons to heart and focused on me and what I wanted. When my college advisor suggested I get an internship at a company um to lead me into grad school. I just went and worked on a boat as a scuba diver. Um And I skipped the masters and went straight into a phd program and just moved along, doing everything on my own and trying a little bit um everywhere. And I moved back to um I moved back to Utah and started working on a lab. Um Even though I left uh a after I left college, I went back to the genetics lab and started tinkering with the robots at the lab to make the pro uh the to prep, prepare the PC R plates more efficiently.

And that's where I did my, my toes into software engineering and embarked on the path that will lead to my career. Today, I moved out of the lab and into software into a startup, building custom limb systems for genetic labs. And on November 11th, 2016, the little startup company got acquired and by an established software company, we had high hopes and big dreams for our creation, a configurable, lightweight limbs, a limb system. And then piece by piece week by week, we watched as our pride and joy got desecrated and abused and not just the product but the people we brought with us. It wasn't long until after, after work went from joys of creating, collaborating and innovating to trench warfare. But as the month turned into a quarter and a quarter, into a year, my reliance on inner strength began to falter and with all my resolve, I couldn't do it. And on November 21st, 2019, I sent this selfie to my friend, my friend and mentor Clinton that I admitted to myself, not only to myself, but also to him that I just couldn't do it. Two months later in January 2020 I started a married and three months after that, Clinton joined, I have guided my peers and my reports through challenging times in impostor syndrome with strength perseverance and a focus on growth.

Um It was there, I was there to watch them take their first step into management and to pull them through when they moved out of the lab and into the code, I was there to nudge them to their first next step and reassure them that I would be there and that life would go on even if they stumbled my desire was to elevate people and help them be self reliant.

What I completely missed. However was that I was, I was also giving these people was what I was denying myself support and connection. And this real, this realization about connections and support wasn't a light switch that opened up me up to people. But the beginning of my work to break down some of these walls, I built up while my self self reliance intertwined with stubbornness, it's a work in progress like everything else and a friend still calls me out on it sometimes as we grow in our careers and as we advance to more challenging positions and achieve bigger goals, our reliance on others grows proportionally.

As more people start to look up to us for answers and guidance, it can quickly become overwhelming and impostor syndrome creeps, right? In impostor syndrome makes you doubt yourself and the choices you've made and people from all walks of life are affected. And while marginalized groups like women, people of color and non, non binary have the the odds stacked against them with prejudices and microaggressions, beating them down, the feeling of self doubt in the end is left for us to deal with them on our own work. Of course, must continue on the local global and corporate levels to reinforce equal treatment and resources for all. So we can ensure all have equal opportunity. But I today, I just want to acknowledge that even in the ideal scenario, impostor syndrome can take hold. You will question your abilities at work at home as a partner or parent, as a driver, backing up a trailer or as a Navigator trying to get through Boston. Sometimes you see it creeping in and sometimes it hits you like a sucker punch fear and insecurity will always be part of our existence. And the more tools we have to battle these fears, the more we can learn from what scares us.