Hello there, this is Laurie Reichel Howe and I'm delighted to have you join me today for making difficult conversations, safe conversations. And that is particularly when those times when dialogue trumps technology.So what I wanted to open up with was a recent interview that um Whitty conducted with me. And they asked me, they said, what is the greatest challenge organizes organizations, particular organizations and technology are facing today. And to that my response was was and let me get a click here challenging human behaviors by that it, whether intentional or intentional people will do things, say things within the workplace that negatively impact people that um that erode culture and working relationships. So, what I'd love to do is let me show you some research that was um conducted by an organization and cited in the book, crucial confrontations. And they were examining what was the percentage of all difficulty in organizations that come from? It's strain working relationships, not the hard skills, not deficits or motivation. You can hire people who have excellent technology skills that can be technology gurus. But how often do strain working relationship happened? And here I'm going to turn this into a question and I'm hoping that you will be able to go to your chat box. I'm going to see if I could open that shortly. Tell me which of these percentage do you think is the, um, correct answer?

What percentage of difficulties in organizations come from strained relationships? Not hard skills, not lack of skills, deficit or motivation. Do you think it's 5 to 20%? Do you think it's in the range of 25 to 40%? Do you think it's in the range of 45 to 60% or lastly? Do you think it's in the range of 65 to 80%? And I'm opening up my chat box and I would love to hear your responses and let me see the individual that is um navigating the technology. Is it possible for you to read the chat box responses? Well, I guess apparently not. So. Ok. Have you answered? Let's take a look. I've highlighted the correct answer which is 65 to 80% of difficulties in organizations come from strained working relationships, not hard skill deficits or motives. I, from organizations that I've worked with. I can see it appears to me that they do have the ability to solve technology problems to improve technology processes. But quite often people get stuck in navigating relationships with others that we are working with. So I have found in my work with organizations that to create a culture of respect and accountability. It is critical even foundational to establish clear expectations around working virtually. Now, what does that mean? And getting real specific about that?

It's not just the ability to work virtually, but when working virtually, what does it mean to be fully present at a meeting? Um Seriously, I have had um an organization who had a, a problem with um an employee who was zooming a team or um I think board meeting who was zooming while driving to a dental appointment. Now, anyone in hr would just the risk of that if that employee crashed while working. Well, chances are insurance companies are not gonna go out for the individual, they're gonna go out for the individual's company. So what, so what does that mean? What about what does fully present mean? Um Does, would you text or work on a cell phone? Would you send text messages or emails when you were attending a team meeting? Well, when you're working virtually, what does that look like? What meets expectations? What doesn't? And having conversations around that in your group is going to really be preventative of people getting bitter and resentful because you've made expectations clear another area. What about camera? When is it expected on? When can we be flexible? I had an organization that um provides uh trainings that people can access virtually and they were looking for someone to create presentations and um trainings. Well, they reached out to me set up a Zoom meeting and I, they did not make themselves visible via camera.

Well, it did nothing to having them not present visually, did not give me a sense of trust, it did not build um a relationship. And I was a bit concerned thinking if this is an organization that is specializing in providing top quality trainings, um how effective are they going to be when they are not recruiting me and making themselves visible? So, needless to say it's an organization that I did not pursue of becoming a trainer for also what does professionalism look like? Sound like the language we use, even the apparel while we could certainly be in sweats during COVID, in our, you know, sweat bottoms were not seen when we were virtual. What do we need to create some clarity around when we return? Were we a bit more flexible during the early stages of COVID? And are, are we at the level that we want to be right now? Um There are certainly going to be differing opinions around what looks and acts professional and what doesn't? So how do we get those conversations around that? Another thing that is critical in creating a culture of respect and accountability while working virtually or working in person.

And that is communication, communication such as people are expected to voice concerns directly to the person that they have the concern with and how we voice those concerns. And what we say is very important. Also what about dominating conversations? I I put those two examples there because I recently did a training for an organization where people work um completely remotely. And I did some work with cultural assessment and asking employees to fill out a survey that let me know what changes could we make as an organization that would really improve culture, performance and just your comfort, safety and working here. What was amazing. The two things that they listed were one having people voice their concerns directly to the person with whom they have the concern. They felt that people were going to other people or wrong people. And um another, another thing that they mentioned was they felt that there was a dominating of conversations, whether that was in person or even virtually, they had said that someone had um well, they were asking people to raise their hand during a zoom conversation. A number of people raised their hand but someone else would just launch in and start to talk and that they felt frustrated by that.

They felt dismissed and interrupted and they felt like power was given to maybe a person in a higher position more than others and not a sense of team. So to the organization, I I asked them to, I recommended they do two things. One make it real clear that you take concerns directly to each other and gave some training on how to do that. And then also said leaders, people are wanting you to step up if you see that conversations are being dominated and it could be simply as easy as I've noticed that we've heard from someone but we've not heard from others. So I'd like right now to give some time to everyone else to speak. So, learning how to dump how to redirect that help people become aware they may not be and um creating just a safety and a culture of respect as well as accountability. I also invited their managers to make sure that they were asking for feedback on from people. How are those? How are our meetings working? What could be improved on getting just getting feedback. Three questions, every manager should ask one. What am I doing? That supports you that you want me to continue doing? Number two, what am I doing? That? You want me to stop doing, making it safe for people to answer that?

And then three, what do you want me to begin doing or do differently if a manager will ask those questions, make it safe and then invite those kind of conversations within their team meetings. We are going to have a safe culture. We are going to um protect relationships and establish some real conversations and behaviors that create respect and accountability. Now, lastly, to create a culture of respect and accountability, it's important that organizational leaders, managers, all employees discern the best avenue of communication, including when it's OK and most appropriate to email, but also when it is not a professional to email.

And when instead dialogue needs to occur, people talking, either face to face or screen to screen where you are seeing each other, hearing each other's voices and dialoguing. So with that, let me give some criteria for when email is appropriate and when it is not appropriate and then when to dialogue. So emailing is appropriate. Any time you need to provide information when you are sharing detailed information and data, any time you need to ensure there is a record of the communication and you want people to be able to go back and review any time you need to provide an online source for more information.

And lastly just providing a brief status update, email is a great quick, efficient way for doing that and timely now avoid email and use dialogue when a discussion is needed. When the content that you're sharing, when questions will arise, when you need to check for understanding or when input is needed. If you have a lot to say, it needs to be a dialogue, you need to watch people's responses, see when they need to engage or not, you're going to put people to sleep if you don't. And um whenever you deal with a sensitive topic, you share complex information or whenever you want to build a personal connection, then it's important never email and instead dialogue. So avoid emailing or texting, it could be risky any time you are frustrated, angry and emotional.

Oh my gosh, can be very dangerous when you cannot remove emotions from emails. It is so easy to write it to compose words and whether you intend it or not, it's easy that they can be misconstrued. It's, it's hard to keep emotions out of emails. So best to avoid it when avoid emailing. When you are discussing a complex or contentious topic, you need to be able to read people their body language and you need to even at times diffuse defensiveness here concerns avoid emailing when disagreements exist. When you sense conflict, it is so easy for um knee jerk responses. What we put in an email, we would never say to someone's face. And um I've heard it respond in impulse via email and you inherit regret. And you also can be um you enter into that mouse to mouse combat. I like to call it and that results in a string of hr infractions that may need to be investigated. So also avoid email. Anytime you need to address performance gaps, give reprimands or whenever you're getting someone on track, now you may need to do some documentation afterwards uh or do some uh um remote or virtual communication or emailing. But you always need to have these type of conversations in person, social etiquette 101 as well as you may find in it. When you dialogue, you may find that there's information background that you do not have.

And so be careful, there's a lot of liability when we um make assumptions and we fail to gather information that would occur if we were having a dialogue versus just the email. So some topics are best addressed through conversations. And while that's true, I know that quite often when it comes to awkward or difficult conversations that we need to hold, we as human beings tend to avoid them, We avoid them as we would a um bad medicine, a fatal disease or poison. And it's human nature to do that. And quite often we are not skilled or trying to have those conversations as a result, we get stuck. What gets us stuck and keeps us stuck are two things. One, we are avoiding that conversation that if we could have, we could identify the problem and get some agreement moving forward, need to change or else we attempt to have that conversation, we have it poorly and then it makes matters worse. So how do we avoid getting stuck or get unstuck? What do people need? I believe people need the following. They need the skill skills in communication, in leadership, communication, navigating these conversations. I give people a framework that they can apply any time. They have to step up to deal with an issue of concern. Ad address a challenging behavior, then they develop the language to best communicate that and practice sessions around that within my training.

Participants are not just learning the information, learning the framework, but we do actual practice sessions because you want to practice when you are outside of conflict because it's much harder when you are actually in the situation. And when you've practiced it, you feel prepared.

And I also help people think about how we will exit this situation, how to respond. If defensiveness, worst case scenarios occur just by practicing and feeling prepared. It makes all the difference in the world. And I've had people say Laurie, I just don't have the courage. And I said, listen, you will get the courage when you develop the skill and when you practice it, it is a learned ability now today and the rest of this session, what I am going to do is demonstrate implementing a communication framework for transforming a difficult conversation into a safe one.

And this accountability conversation is going to occur between two people, Barry on the right and his team member, Matt on the left. Now, this is going to be in regards to Barry observed Matt during a virtual team meeting. And there were a number of things that Matt did that caused Barry to question if he really is actually fully present in this meeting. So watch how Barry implements a the framework that I'm going to quickly view with you and then demonstrate, Barry is going to open up this conversation by identifying positive wants what he wants. Or um for Matt for Matt's success, what he wants for him, what he wants for the relationship. It's really um identifying the mutual goals and the desired success of another person. When you open with that, people aren't going to feel attacked and it will be much easier for them to listen and to get a willingness to cooper in dialogue. Then what he is going to do is specifically identify the behaviors, what he saw Matt do or not do that. Uh That are the concern and he will open that up with an iMessage.

He's not going to do a, you need to stop um that comes across attacking and he wants to make it more observation. This is what I've observed. Then he will move to those behaviors, what he did or didn't do. What's the impact, what's the consequence? How is that going to limit Matt success, the team success. Um and the negative impact that Barry wants Matt to avoid because he wants to be supportive of his success. He will, he wants this to be as much as it is possible a dialogue. So he is going to ask, um ask just an open ended question to get Matt to talk and to share some information. Now as soon as somebody starts to talk, you'll find that that's when there's the most risk of things becoming defensive and moving into an argument. So three things that Barry is going to be ready to do, acknowledge any concerns that Matt has is going to contrast what he doesn't want versus what he does and he might return to positive wants what he wants for um what he wants for Matt. Lastly, before this conversation ends, he's going to ask for agreement from Matt in being examples of him being fully present in the future. So what I will do is let's step into right now this conversation, how Barry opens it up and how he navigates through each of these components of this same conversations, communication framework. First of all, positive Ws Matt, I want you to experience success here at names of company.

I also want you to be recognized as a fully engaged team member. Now, Matt, I made a few observations during today's team meeting that I want to discuss with you. I noticed that your camera was turned off throughout the entire meeting. I also heard noise in the background that sounded like typing on a keyboard at one point during the meeting. When you were asked a question, you didn't respond when your camera is off and when I hear keyboard keys, clicking and when you do not respond to a question I directed at you. Well, leaves me to wonder whether you are fully engaged. Now, I don't want to make assumptions, but I do wanna be honest with you. I believe these actions had I just mentioned that they result in really my question, your commitment to the success of our team project. I'd like to hear your thoughts to better understand what was happening during our team meeting. So here he is given, giving Matt an opportunity to talk. Let's see how Matt responds. Here is man, in complete honesty, Barry, I, I was trying to finish up a task related to our project and I, I realize now that I have sh I I should have put it aside in order to fully engage in today's meeting.

Hey, Matt, thanks for being honest with me and explaining in what was happening moving forward. I, I need a commitment from you that you will be fully engaged in team meetings and this means camera on whenever possible and your full participation in and throughout the meetings.

Now, may I count on you to keep this commitment? Now, let me step out of this conversation, would love to hear any comments you want to um put into the chat box. And while you can see in this conversation, Matt really openly confessed and um acknowledged, you know, I, I really wasn't there and I, he is eagerly willingly committing to this behavior being fixed and changed in moving forward. Now, I'm also assuming that this is the first time Barry has brought this up with Matt. Now, if Barry is his direct report and if this behavior has been identified pointed out and has continued, then Barry would no longer be talking about about a first time offense. He's talking about a pattern behavior. And so at that point, what he is going to do is he is going to say something like, you know, I am trusting you to keep this commitment moving forward. I need to let you know that if this behavior occurs again, this I will address in a performance conversation and the following consequences could occur and then he will list that. So it's important to separate um the difference of first time reminders, clarifying the expectations and when those behaviors have already been addressed, but the individual is not making a change. So let me add that in.

And what I do want to let you know is that sometimes a single conversation, well, a single conversation, it's possible like in this example that they were able to get to the root of the problem and get a commitment moving forward. It's also possible that it will take care of that behavior, prevent it from happening again. I'm a realist though more commonly, it will quite often take more than a single conversation and you may have to address a behavior more than once and others on your team. Other supervisors may also need to address a conversation. So getting everyone on board, getting that framework understood and used by others and being able to step up to first time behaviors as well as repeat of uh behaviors, unmet expectations, performance gaps, all of those are going to need um additional work and tweaks of the framework and more than one conversation may be needed.

So with that and a matter of fact, that is why I do and provide safe conversations, leadership training and coaching. So I do both the training where a trainer hat and provide trainings for individuals, teams and organizations. But I also do um coaching, helping people step up to those difficult conversations and I incorporate coaching within my training. But oftentimes people just want to do one in coaching with me where they can navigate that through that difficult issue or conversation that they need to have.

So I make myself available for all of those and within my training and even within my coaching, people could experience implementing my safe conversations communication framework, you practice it so that it becomes a habit, it becomes a mind frame and knee jerk. Um You learn how to establish clarity around expectations within your team within coworkers holding learning how to hold accountability conversations. I've also created video resource training library. Once you've done the training quite often, um you want to go through it again.

I break it into modules and make access via my website available. I make guided um work sessions, whether it be the one on one coaching sessions, all of those are options that it seems that many people are going to need a variety of resources in order to develop, refine these skills because holding difficult awkward conversations is difficult and it gets extremely difficult when you are managing up when you are having to have these conversations with someone in authority over you with a CEO, how do you make it safe and how do you make them aware that you are bringing this up because you want to increase their success, not that you are attacking them or their leadership.

So with that, um as I'm coming to the close of my um presentation, if you are interested, if my training, the work that I do resonates with you. Um Anyone who's attended my session today, I would be glad to provide a complimentary safe conversations consultation. It's a 30 minute time that you can get on my calendar to consult with me. And all you have to do is go to my website at www conversations in the workplace.com and then you will see my website, there's my picture, just click on that, let's talk button and once you hit on that, let's talk button, it will take you to a place to sign up for a complimentary consultation with me.

You'll be able to pick your, your day and a time that works for you. And I, I'd love to do a deep dive with you, would love to help you um provide the skills to help you up your leadership, to excel in the area of leadership communication to get unstuck. Now, um with the remaining time, I would love to do a um I'm going to go to both the chat box and see if I can get. Ok. Um, I'm looking, I'm not seeing any open questions. Only hosts and panelists can see questions. Let me see. Oh, good. I do have some, um, I do have some people who have used the chat box and it seems that you've done some greetings to each other. So, if anyone has, um, um, questions that you would like to ask, um, I think we are limited to just having um, I'm going to have to answer questions via the chat box. But if you'd like to throw out a question or two, I would um love to um answer those questions. So let me um, I'm going to though, go ahead and put back my website in case you want to go there.

Um And in case you want to sign up for a consultation or in case you even want to go into some of my published articles, they are great resources with strategies on how to navigate those challenging conversations. So with that, ok, I'm not seeing any questions yet, so feel free to talk to me. Oh, I do think we are getting, you know, very close to the end. So let me know though chatbox and it looks like we have. Thank you, Laurie for this session. You are so welcome. Mm OK. Well, it looks like our session has come to an end. So thank you for joining and I am closing, wishing you success as you navigate difficult conversations and transform difficult conversations into safe conversations. Thanks for joining.